It feels good to be nice

Leaving the supermarket tonight, I was asked by a young man if I could "help him out with a gallon of gas." He was fairly well dressed and quite polite. He got my attention by saying "excuse me sir." When he asked me to help him with a gallon of gas, I had many thoughts flying through my brain with how to respond. Do I tell him about my financial situation? I could go on and on about the expenses of owning a home, 2 vehicles and raising 4 kids. I bet he doesn't realize how much money I have spent at Sam's Club on food, formula, diapers and wipes for twins over the last year and a half. Summer camps, clothes and sports ain't cheap. Or, I could have helped him by giving directions to the nearest filling station, after all, Publix doesn't sell gas. I thought about telling him if he is looking for a job, I did not work there. He would have to go inside to apply. Perhaps I could have screamed him down and reported him to store management so they could ask him to leave the property. One thought that didn't enter my mind was seeing if I had the $2.849 needed to get a gallon of gas. Although it could have been fun telling him I was trying to find 9/10ths of a cent in my change cup. No, I decided to reward him with a response matching the same manners he showed me. I replied "No, but thank you for asking." He gave an odd look. He looked a little befuddled. He obviously hadn't been prepared for such a polite response and didn't know how to continue his sales pitch. He walked on to a couple leaving the store. I hope he does well. Lord knows we could all use help with a gallon of gas these days.

Where do these people come from and how do we sanitize them from the gene pool?

I am sorry. I owe Michael Jackson an apology. I thought he was as big a freak as I had ever seen. I couldn't imagine that he would be out done until yesterday, the 1st anniversary of his death. I was watching the news. I have seen some disturbing things but I felt utter horror as I watched people "honoring" the anniversary. People travelling to gather at the Neverland Ranch or the cemetery where he is buried or just "celebrating" where ever they could. Losers like Cindy Montrichard who flew in from Toronto. She said "It's the very least I could do to show him how much I cared, and how much I still care." Be at peace Cindy. I am sure he knows and is comforted to know that you care. He thanks you, I thank you and Corey Feldman thanks you

There were losers dancing, losers in white hats and glove and losers to the extreme in complete costume. One actually appeared to me to have had a nose job to replicate the thing on MJ's face that he called a nose.

After watching that, MJ actually started to look normal.

the language of the future

It seems in the U.S. today you need to learn spanish in order to survive. I see this as only a short term issue. Eventually, China is going to own the U.S. and then we will need to learn to speak, read and write the perscribed language of Chinese for Americans. I, of course, am talking about Engrish (also known to some as Chinglish although I don't know how since there is an L in chingLish). Watch any travel show about China or do a search on Engrish and you will see examples of the complexity of this language.

You would think a country trying to force itself into the lead as the world's dominant industrial superpower would be able to hire a few $50k - $100k english translators to help them out.

We all need to start learning how to speak without the use of "L".... the future will be here before you know it.

You better berieve that

What's next?

Note to self... don't hang out with Rick Oliver.

Oliver, 51, was struck by lightning in 2006. Since then he has had trouble sleeping. Some nights he goes outside checking on his chickens, working on his tractors or working on his car, as he was doing late at night June 3rd at his home/farm near Raleigh, NC. Around 2am he heard a noise. When he turned around, he was attacked by a black bear. He suffered deep lacerations but will survive.

I bet he has a hard time getting anyone to hang out with him.

On a side note... feel free to stop the leaking anytime now. It is really getting ridiculous. Can't anyone do something to put an end to it? of course I am talking about the Rays drastic slide out of first place in the east.

Get off the sidewalk, I'm trying to drive here

The state of Florida through the Florida Department of Highway Safety and Motor Vehicles along with AAA and AARP have created a program called CarFit. This is a new service to help senior citizens stay safe behind the wheel.

The program has certified technicians that will go through a checklist to make sure the senior is in the correct position behind the wheel. Ann Howard of the DHSMV said "Because you need to have those mirors in the right place, the seat adjusted, the steering wheel. Sometimes folks get in their cars and just leave them as-is without ever adjusting them for months. We want to make sure the folks know that your car has to fit you and it can be adjusted so that it's perfect, and therefor increasing your safety in the vehicle."

Florida has over two million drivers between 65 and 74 and about a quarter-million over 85. A report shows that over 20 percent of drivers over 85 suffer from some degree of dementia.

Well, they may have dementia but thank goodness they will have their mirrors properly adjusted. How about this idea... if they have dementia, disable their car so it won't move. If they are in rough enough shape, they probably won't notice. Or how about this, Let's put the "safety" back into the Department of Highway Safety and Motor Vehicles by taking away their license and car. Just a thought.

Come on...get up. You're OK.

My idea to help soccer... implement a penalty box. If the referee decides you took a dive you can be penalized for varying time periods depending on the situation (maybe 5, 10 or 20 minutes). Do not penalize with a card unless it is the second offense by a player in one game. I think the risk of a card is little deterrent to a diver (see any recent match). Players will not go down as easily if they face a penalty that takes them off the field where they are not replaced.

Here is another thought... if you ARE going to take a dive, please do us all a favor and at least grab the body part that was hit. If you are hit in the chest, do not grab your face. If you are kicked in the shin, do not act like you were shot in the groin. This may have been acceptable to fans years ago or even today in a local match with little television coverage but it does not fly in the World Cup when there are countless cameras trained on the match recording in HD. We can see when you are barely touched in the shoulder and you act like someone has just driven a bayonet through your throat. Stop it.

F.I.F.A. should allow a video referee that is reviewing the game as it is played to blow a horn to halt play. The field referee could then be alerted to the problem. The play in question could be replayed on the big screen for all to see. The field referee could then assess the penalty to the player taking the dive. Play would continue while the offender serves their time in the box.

This player would then be forced to put on a pink armband for the duration of the match signifying that they are a "convicted" diver.

There you go F.I.F.A. DONE! You are welcome.

Juliet ripped Romeo's beer can in half and kicked him in the nuts

I really can't add much to this story but I will try at the end.

LAND O'LAKES — At 8:30 Wednesday night, a 53-year-old man sat in a chair, drinking the last beer in the house.

His girlfriend wanted it.

Elizabeth Breeden, 41, "went off" on him and tried to grab it out of his hand at their home on McKaig Lane in Land O'Lakes, according to the Pasco County Sheriff's Office.

He wouldn't let go.

Breeden ripped the Natural Light can in half, spilling the lager on her boyfriend, his chair and the floor, a report states. The boyfriend stood up. Breeden slapped him in the face. Then she kicked him in the groin, authorities said.

Breeden told a deputy that her boyfriend kicked her and threw beer on her, which is why she ripped the can in half.

She was arrested and charged with domestic battery. This is her 18th arrest since 1999 — with charges such as possession of cocaine, shoplifting, fraud and failing to appear in court, according to the Florida Department of Law Enforcement.

The boyfriend told authorities he started dating Breeden in February and she moved in with him in May. He didn't want to press charges, the report states.

As of Thursday, Breeden was being held at the Pasco County jail in lieu of $1,000 bail. The report said Breeden was "extremely intoxicated" and there were "numerous Natural Light beer cans in the trash can."

Let's review a few of the "shocking" things about this story

1. This happened in Pasco county
2. It involved numerous cans of Natural Light
3. This "woman" was able to "rip a beer can in half"
4. The tussle included a slap and a kick to the nuts

I just hope this couple works things out and can continue to "live the dream." I sure would hate to see her 19th arrest put a damper on the fairy tale.

Welcome to increased speeding taxes

The Federal Aviation Administration has been asked to permit the use of pilot less planes (drones) to carry out civilian and law-enforcement functions in the United States but has not to this point. The fear is that they could interfere with or crash into other manned aircraft. Drones come in various sizes. There are two main types. Automated planes programmed to fly a mission and the type that are remotely controlled by someone on the ground.

Some of the reasons for their use that I see as legitimate:

1. Tornado researchers want to send them into storms to gather data
2. Oil and gas companies want to monitor pipelines
3. Homeland Security wants to use in border patrol
4. The Coast Guard wants to use for search and rescue.
5. Law enforcement could use them to track fleeing suspects
   

Now, besides the obvious risks to other aircraft and people on the ground I have even a bigger problem with the use of these drones. My biggest fear comes from distrust of our government officials. There is the obvious thoughts of "big brother" watching us but they already have the capability to do this in many ways.

More importantly, there was a seemingly minor line in the story. "State police hope to send them up to capture images of speeding car's license plates." How far do we really have to go to catch someone driving over the speed limit? What is law enforcement's role in regards to speeding? I believe it is to provide safety and security to the public. In other words, prevent excessive and dangerous speed that risks injury to law abiding citizens. This could be done in ways that do not involve tickets. The problem is, this is not profitable. I think law enforcement has taken on the task of tax collector. Do we really need a Predator drone searching for speeders to write tickets? How much money do you think this drone would have to collect in tax/fine revenue to just pay for itself. You can be sure if an agency gets one, they will use it to turn a profit. Be ready... the tax man comes.

True story, I was driving down a major road and witnessed a car swerving and driving erratically. In a span of about 1 mile I, along with a passenger, saw this vehicle nearly hit 10 cars. He was swerving, accelerating and slowing in such a way that he looked like he was trying to cause an accident. It was so bad that I actually thought I needed to do something. I could have ignored it, pulled into my office and gone about my day but it was so bad that I couldn't. I knew where a county sheriff often sits for a speed trap. I turned and pulled up to the sheriff's vehicle as the "suspect's" beat up Volvo continued on. The deputy was sitting with his radar gun aimed down the road. I told him what I had just seen. Yes, I know....snitch. Believe me, I thought about this but decided it was worth it if it prevented an innocent person from getting hurt. So you ask, how fast did he pursue the vehicle to put an end to it? Did he spin his tires as he went after him to protect the public? Nope. He said "I didn't see it". Yes, I realize you didn't see it. That is why I, as a concerned citizen, am alerting you to this so you can pull out and see it for yourself and put a stop to it. "He is going to cause an accident or kill someone." Here it comes. Poncherello is going to spring into action. Again nothing but "there is nothing I can do if I didn't see it." I almost apologized for blocking his radar gun. I half way expected to get pulled over for blocking a travel lane as I drove off. If only there had been a drone in the air. They could have mailed me a ticket.

All hail the Vuvuzela

Oh the sweet sound. Why does my wife threaten violent things when I imitate the sounds of the vuvuzela? I am quite good at sounding just like one. I don't really understand her anger. I only made the noises while the game was on. I took a break during half time and stopped immediately following the game. There was only like 3 minutes of stoppage time so we are only talking 93 minutes. She carried on well after the game was over. Really started to drive me nuts. It was only the first game. I hope she doesn't keep this up the rest of the cup. Her complaining can be sooooo annoying sometimes.

Swine

Because of stagnant sales, The National Pork Board plans to replace its 23 year old slogan "The other white meat." The V.P. of the Des Moines based board said "It did its job, for sure, back in 1987. It was phenomenal. It really changed minds."

However, sales have been flat and they are looking for something new in hopes of helping sales. This seems a bit rash since the tag line is so widely recognized but, it is their meat and they can do what they want with it.

Now to my point. Now that they are moving on. I call dibs. As soon as it is official that they have a new slogan, I am taking "The other white meat."

Thank you for your support

an open letter to office etiquette offenders

When you use the office bathroom and "blow it up" there is etiquette to follow. One, the next person shouldn't have to walk right into a room of death. Although, this is quite funny if you are able to see the facial expressions they make while you maintain a straight face like you have no clue what is happening and thus avoid any suspicion. Secondly, the next person in line is likely to end up with the blame after they come out. It is quite traumatic to be blamed for stench that you did not cause. So, if you cause the wallpaper to peel in the office bathroom you have duties. You should:

1. Provide a courtesy flush as needed


2. Utilize any aromatic sprays that are provided


3. Light a candle if there is one available


4. Leave the fart fan on


5. Last, and probably most important... sign your work

Here is how to sign your work, by leaving the fart fan on as you exit, some may notice depending on the positioning of the restroom to the rest of the office. If this is not sufficient you should stand in the doorway, clearing your throat to gain attention and proclaim "do NOT.…… go in there!"

I take pride in my work but don’t want to take the credit for someone else’s.

Thank you

Mr. Manners

this just in.... the "News" is pathetic

Don't you just love how "news" outlets get hooked on a subject and for the next week or two seem to want to report anything they can about the "hot" topic until the next "interesting" distraction comes along. It gets so bad sometimes I wish would take a direct hit from a hurricane.

First, we had "The Swamp Master" who had his arm nearly bitten off by an alligator. I see this story like the first documented case of a virus. Much like the first person known to have the swine flu. This is "patient zero"

Then, on Memorial Day, an 8 foot alligator was seen strolling through a Palm Harbor neighborhood. Instead of waiting for an experienced trapper, a sheriff's deputy lassoed the beast with a contraption he made, jumped on it and had it in cuffs after a short struggle. This would have not been news worthy had the gator simply been trapped and removed. I will dub it news worthy only because the deputy was crazy. I am not jumping on the back of an 8 foot alligator simply because I have seen it done successfully on television. The Crocodile Hunter didn't die of old age.

Next, a 7 foot alligator is found inside a Tampa Middle school on a Monday morning. The school is right next to a river. It is believed it got in on Friday and spent the weekend inside the school. Luckily no child was hurt. The school principal said they are going to look at how they secure the fence to make sure it is secure. um....I think that might be a good idea. Again, I will give the news this one. It was a story worth telling.

Now, this news hits today. Here is the story verbatim.

"A large alligator is under a vehicle at 607 S. Missouri Ave. in Lakeland, Police said. An officer is at the scene, and a trapper has been called. The alligator hissed as the owner tried getting into the vehicle, police said. Stay with TBO.com for updates." Please notice the second word in the story, LARGE. The caption under the photo reads "The Lakeland gator is the second to tangle with humans in two days in the area"

The pictures above are

1. 8 foot alligator in Palm Harbor neighborhood

2. 7 foot alligator inside Tampa middle school

3. the "large alligator" that was under a person's vehicle in Lakeland.

I will be scanning the wire for any stories about aggressive lizards.

Romance on a beer budget

Where do I start? Goodwill is holding its annual "Wedding Gown Gala" today at the location in Oldsmar. Dozens of women, maybe close to 100 women were at Goodwill at the crack of dawn to get in to buy a gown at a fraction of normal costs. On the surface I thought, now these are great women. This is where you find a real keeper (if they weren't already engaged to be married). Any woman who is willing to buy a wedding gown at Goodwill gets a check mark in my book. Now if only they'd earn the second check mark by putting her stamp of approval on my tuxedo t-shirt...but I digress… back to the “ladies.”

As I read deeper I find out that these aren't recycled dresses. How much does a wedding dress really get used unless you are like a girl I have been told wears hers to do housework. Apparently she says, she hates housework and by wearing her wedding gown it makes it more enjoyable. No, these are wedding gowns donated by local bride shops. One of the bridesmaids, Kat Lacy (love the name) was first in line at 3:30am. She said she and the bride were willing to grab every dress in her size and then bargain with other women. Lacy said "I had a dream that me and her and, like, a bunch of people came out, and we had black marks on our eyes. We were game to go." After trying on seven dresses the bride settled on a $1500 gown that she got for $125. Lacy said, "It's for charity. It's all for a good cause." RIGHT. It sounds like they wouldn't have been there if the proceeds weren't going to charity. It sounds very charitable to have plans on grabbing up every gown you could and then bargaining with other women. Goodwill only allowed about 10 women at a time in to minimize chaos. Wussies. I say, open the doors, stand to the side with a video camera and have Tom Bergeron from America's Funniest Home Videos on speed dial.

Finally, there is a comment after the story online that it "kind of takes the romance out of the best part of planning a wedding." What part is that? Spending money? Take the price tags off the dresses. Can't you have the same "romance" searching for a dress inside the 4 walls of Goodwill as you can inside the 4 walls of an expensive dress shop? And, as a plus, you can arm yourself with a baseball bat or hockey stick from sporting goods if needed.

G.T.M.I. (Get The Man In)? I say G.T.M.T.F. (Get The Man To First)

Anyone who has ever watched football on television and listened knows this:

If your football team's offense can't effectively throw the ball, the defense will crowd the line of scrimmage ("put eight men in the box") to stop the run. If the defense knows your offense is one dimensional, they won't worry about covering your receivers so much and will concentrate on preventing you from running the football. Even the best running backs have a hard time picking up yards if there are no holes.

Turn this around. If your team can't run the ball but has a good passing game, the defense will drop more into coverage sacrificing run defense at the line of scrimmage. The teams with too much pride will continue to throw the ball into the teeth of the defense with reduced chance for success.

OK, now stay with me. I am not a Michael Vick fan but why did he experience some offensive success when he was at his best? Was it because he ran the ball? I don't think so. I think it was because the defense was worried about him running the ball. He wasn't successful when he played conventional NFL offense, handing off and throwing the ball. Defenses could handle this. He wasn't successful when he repeatedly ran the ball. Good defenses could handle this (ask the Bucs). He was most successful when he ran just enough to make the other team worry that he might run and in turn would have to devote a "spy" to only worry about him running and not play in the normal 11 man defensive scheme.

Now to my point… Carlos Pena, to me, is Don "Air" Coryell. He loves to heave the ball deep to Charlie Joiner and Kellen Winslow. It is exciting. It is sexy. It earns you lots of money. Here is the problem. It is easy to defend. "Air" Pena needs to swallow his pride and prove to the defense that he is a threat to hand the ball off (slap one to left) or he might even pull a quarterback naked bootleg (bunt down the third base line). He doesn't have to do it much. The defense just has to be worried that he might do it and they will have to defend it with their fielders and with their pitching strategy.

Dan Fouts threw for all these yards to Charlie Joyner and Kellen Winslow and led the league in total offense in 1985. People may not realize that in 1985 the Charger's running back Lionel James, a mere 5'6" and 171lbs, set the record for NFL all purpose yards (2535), receiving yards for a running back (1027) and led the AFC in receptions (86). Defenses that dropped deep into coverage paid the price by giving up yardage underneath.

Come on Carlos, at least THREATEN to run the ball. Make the defense cover that and the passing lanes will open up to right field.

On the bright side, it looks more and more like Carlos won't be leaving for a big free agent contract.