Cat and Mouse

I am a fan of drunk people doing stupid things to entertain me. For simplicity, we will call these people “fans”. I am not overly concerned with the consequences these fans face as long as I am entertained.

Last night a fan at the Phillies game ran onto the field. He dodged security guards for a short time until he was finally subdued by way of taser. I was listening to a lot of discussion on the radio that this was excessive force and uncalled for. I heard talk that running onto a field is a time honored tradition that should not be dealt with so violently. Tell that to Monica Seles and see if she agrees. I bet she wishes Gunter Parche was tased before he was able to stab her with a nine inch long knife as she sat on the sidelines of a tennis match in 1993.

To explain my position, let me give you an analogy. In football, a wide receiver must go across the middle to catch a pass knowing that the chance is high that a linebacker is going to take his head off. If the receiver wants the glory, he must be willing to pay the price. I don’t want to watch a receiver get alligator arms coming across the middle. A good receiver knows this is a possibility if not a probability and yet he still chooses to go across the middle. If a fan has the desire to entertain me by running on the field he must go into it knowing the potential consequences include a tasing, a butt whipping or other bodily injury. I don’t want some lame fan that is going to prance around for a few seconds and then give up. I want a fan with enough speed, agility and endurance to make a handful of out of shape security guards look silly. I want to see a fat guy fall because his pants dropped. Dang it, entertain me! The first half of the show is the fan making security look silly. His second act…security turning the tables and making him look silly. I see this as a win-win-win (fan, security and me).

Of course, I need this fan to be respectful of the game. He should know when it is appropriate to grab the spotlight so as not to interfere with the outcome of the game (between innings, during a time-out or some other break in the action).

It is just a version of CAT and MOUSE. When the cat catches the mouse...bad things happen.

**Disregard all of the above if the fan is a topless woman. In that case...."RUN BABY RUN"